dumb myspace quiz
01. Are you a happy person?
Define happy.
02. What can always make you happy?
Well, I mean, what is happy? Ice cream makes me not sad… but happy? What’s happy exactly again?
03. Do you wish you were happier?
Seriously, I mean, is happy on a sliding scale? Like is it a puppy licking me in the face? Actually, that’s kind of gross.
04. Is being happy overrated?
By the Hammer of Thor what the hell do you mean by happy?
05.Can music make you happy?
I guess.
LOVE SECTION
01. How many times have you had your heart broken?
Define broken. Define heart. What do you mean by “had”? I’ll go with twelve times.
02. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
Does my 7th grade science teacher Mr. Phelps count?
03. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Does my 7th grade science teacher Mr. Phelps count?
RELATIONSHIP SECTION
01. Are you in a relationship?
Define “you”.
02. Are you happy with it?
Christ. Again with the happy. Look, do you want me to put on the clown makeup?
04. Like somebody?
Like John Wayne Gacy… that’s who. Oh wait, you meant do I like somebody, not am I going to put on the clown make-up like somebody… sorry, my bad.
HATE SECTION
01. Who do you actually hate?
Mr. Phelps.
02. Have you ever made a hit list?
Just my #1 hits on a CD I’m making. It’s so gonna rock. It’s got Spirogyra on it… twice.
03. Are you a mean bully?
One time I kicked a bird. Okay, it was a baby bird. Okay, it was just a baby.
04. Have you ever been on a hit list?
I released a single in Singapore back in ’83. It was called My Love is as Solid as the Berlin Wall. I made it all the way to #5 on the pop charts.
SELF- ESTEEM SECTION
01. Are you good looking?
Is boron next to iron on the periodic table?
02. Do you wish you could be someone else?
A young Mrs. Phelps.
HAVE YOU EVER
01. Hugged someone?
Damn you Mr. Phelps.
02. Been on the phone until the sun came up.
Damn you Mr. Phelps.
03. Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?
Just to cover the sounds of the screaming.
It was at this point that I lost interest in the survey. The man kept asking me pointless questions, like “What shampoo do you use?” and “Do you get along with your parents?”
I simply stopped answering the question. This is what happened:
02. Do you get along with your parents?
(no answer).
Well, do you?
(no answer).
Hey, I’m asking you a question! You answer me! You answer me right now! You think I do this for my health? This is a serious God damn fucking survey. I’m doing it for the government! You think you can just start answering the questions and stop when you get tired? Huh? Answer me you fucking prick!
Okay, fine you want to play hard ball, then let’s play.
03. Have you ever pee’d your bed as a child? I bet you did. I bet you still do. Don’t you. Bed wetter. Prove me wrong. Say it. SAY IT!!!!
(no answer).
ANSWER ME!!!
Look man. (at this point the questionaire starts to cry) I got a family to feed. I got a kid, he… he wants to go to soccer camp this summer… and I can’t, I can’t afford to send him. My wife. I think, I think she’s gonna divorce me man. It’s just been real hard you know. I mean, I gotta meet this quota of online surveys, and, I’m like five away from meeting my quota. If you could just help me man. You should see my kids face light up when he talks about soccer camp. I just need five more surveys and I get a bonus at work man. I can afford to send my kid to soccer camp. I think, I think my wife will start to believe in me again. She, she won’t divorce me then right? Please. I really need this. If you could just answer the questions. It’d really help me out a lot man. I mean, please. Have a little heart. Please. Just one more question man. Just one. Please.
04. Current hair?
(I sigh). I guess, messy? (I answer)
05. Ha-ha fuck you sucker I’m not even married!
(me angry) You ass hole! You lied to me!
06. Yeah well, your ugly. And you kind of smell like a fart!
(It’s at this point I take out my clown make up, and treat the surveyor like a little baby. To know what that means, please read #3 in the hate section.
